AHMAD ASHRAF ILMAN - THE NOBLE LEARNED ONE

Salam. Fifteen years ago, on Friday, 28th August 1992, at precisely 12.47 am, my baby boy was born. I had lost 2 sons previously before Allah blessed me with this one. Throughout my pregnancy my hubby and i had been vigilantly trying to find the best name we can for him, at that time thinking he would probably be the only one i have, considering my history of health problems. I wanted a name that he can be proud of, a name tht he strive to live up to...at the same time islamic as wel. I wanted him to be intelligent, wise, and for that people will respect him, an he will carry himself nobly. I wanted him to be noble, i wanted him to be a learned man one day. So, alhamdulillah, hubby dearest who have a fair knowledge of the Arabic language, turned up with this name that he carries today: AHMAD ASHRAF ILMAN- THE NOBLE LEARNED ONE. (noble for his knowledge)
As i look at him now, i marvel at how he has been living up to his name! He was talking by 7 months, both english and malay..coz ummi speaks to him in english all the time, while abah and makmok and the rest of the gang speak to him in malay. He could understand both, and speak both, quite perfectly too. He was blessed from the day he was born i m sure - throughout confinement up till he was nearly 3, he grew up amongst uncles, aunties, his grandmother, and even his cheerful, jovial great grand aunt! His aunty makmok, his grandmother Nenek, and his great grand aunt, Unyang, were his constant companions. I wonder if they were primarily the reason why he was mature for his age.
Ashraf, you are a gem to take care of. You were such a darling baby, easy to care for, coz from a very early age, u could speak and tell us what u wanted. When you were a baby, though, you already showed ur superiority...i remember clearly those days, whenever we were travelling, we had to park by the road side when it was your feeding time, You obviously did not like to drink your milk when the car was moving! I used to say the whole world must stop when it is Ashraf's feeding time...hahahaha.
I am so sorry ashraf..that you nver had even 1 drop of mother's milk. They say that babies who never suckle would grow up stubborn n unruly. I was determined to show them wrong. It is the mother's upbringing and the values that the father instils that will eventually shape the person. From the very onset, i was prevented from giving u breast milk coz of the steroids i was taking. So i was determined, that even on formula, when it was feeding time, i would carry u in my arms, and look at you lovingly, and give u the chance to look back at me, so we could bond, just as we would if u were breastfeeding. In fact, anyone who was given the task to feed him formula, had to do the same, just so he would not feel deprived. Alhamdulillah everyone was just too happy to bond with him. And i m so proud to say u hv grown up to be quite the gentleman...
I am so proud of you ashraf...you were always a sensitve child, even from when you were a small child. I remember once at such a tender age, how you cried when u watched the cartoon, "The Last Dragon" and when i asked you why, you said, " he is so lonely Ummi, he has no friends". And there was the time, when we deposited Unyang right in front of Nenek's house, due to her old age and very poor eye set, she could not even see the front gate right under her nose. You came down from the van, and guided her in. When you came back into the van, where i was waiting, there were tears in your eyes, and i could see u were trying to hide them, and you said," Poor Unyang, so old and so vulnerable" My darling baby, you were hardly 4 at tht time, but you were already sensitive to other ppl's suffering and hardship.
I am so sorry Ashraf... that you had to bear the effects of my steroid. Because of this, plus genetics, you are rather more hairy than your friends. I remember when you were still in your primary i think, due to ur big size, and your skin complexion which u inherit from me, your friends called u names...and i m so proud of the way u handled it. You came home telling me your friends called u names, n u asked me why u were rather hirsute. I explained with the scientific facts and all, and the next time ur firnds called u names, u explaind to them and u told them u nevr minded coz that was the Will of Allah u said. They stopped calling u names for awhile...at least. But your courage to say the truth...i salute u my darling son. And then there was the other occasion when u were in standard 4, when u protected ur friend who was being bullied by a form 4 boy. You told him that it was wrong in islam to hit another on the face, as that is where the uniqueness of Allah's creations lie, and for that he spanked you as well. I am so proud of u my son...and u took it within your stride.
I am so proud of you Ashraf...when one day ur kindergarten teacher informed me how Ashraf was an oustandingly good boy. You n ur friends were enjoying recess outside class, and everyone started to pick the flowers and play with them. You told them,"No" dont do that coz the plants need the flowers to reproduce" Your teacher was so impressed that she hugged you.
I truly respect you my son. You are my gifted son, you were already reading when u were just 3, and that open up a huge world of knowledge for you. You really r living up to your name. Till today, i hesitate to scold you, coz i know inside that brain of yours, sits many many verses of the Quran...compared to what's in mine, and even from the very beginning when you were quoting quranic verses,which to you, seemed just like any ordinary thing to do, it always amazes me and makes me feel so proud everytime u do it..and makes me really respect you. and i thank you, my son, for instilling it on to your little brother through your examples.
I am sorry Ashraf, that you had to face a rather rough times in the past 3 years of your secondary school - you are a mature boy, and as such u cannot accept some of your friends immature antics, and you hv strong values in you that u r able to see what is good n whts not. I know you r having great difficulty digesting ur friends' inclination towards rempit and hip hop, and all those western influence, but tht is the reality of life my son...i am just so proud, that you hv your own self discipline n not influenced till now. I know you r tyring ur best to help "dakwah" your friends...have patience.
For that i m sorry Ashraf, that you had to inherit some of my negative behaviours too, i can see that you share some of my flaws too..u can be quite impatient, n i know u got it from me. But i trust, as you grow older, you will learn to control your emotions when u r angry...
Ashraf my son, i want you to know this...i am so proud of you, will always be proud of you, and i have the utmost respect for the vast knowledge that is stored in your brain. I know sometimes u r frustrated when i never seem to be satisfied with ur results, even though u come home bringing strings of As. My son, i only do these things, coz i dont want your easy passage to success turn u into a cocky, over confident young man. I want u to realise that this gift that u have, this knack for storing vast information in ur brain, is a special gift from Allah. One that you should be so thankful for always, for the rest of your life, and use to the maximum..to better urself and to better our ummah, in the name of Allah and Islam.. Ican only say this: that i m thankful to Allah, i must have done something good to be honored with sons such as you and ur little brother, Zakiy. I am blessed by Allah, and your presence in my life, together with ur brother, have truly made up for the loss of your 2 older brothers.
Ashraf i am trying my very best to be a good mother to you, to be someone u can look up to, to be someone u cn be proud of. Parents always say to their children,"make me proud of you son". Well son, i want u to know I am very very proud of you. And on this special day which marks ur 15th birthday, i want to say this: Ashraf, I hope you too are proud of me, I hope you too can understand that all these years i m trying my best to raise u and ur brother to be good, devout muslims. Please forgive me where i hv erred in my ways, please excuse my weaknesses. Pls understand when i seem to demand only the best from you...you are my son, i know you can be the best..n in my own way, i am only trying to bring u there - to be THE BEST THAT YOU ARE!!! You and your brother, are the children that i hv always hoped to have Ashraf.
My son, i love you, always n forever u remain my baby...HAPPY 15th BIRTHDAY SON....

UMMI
your guarding light....

15 Years Ago...

Salam. It is just approaching 2 am now. And i can remember it very clearly just as if it had just happened. This time fifteen years ago, i was being wheeled out to the observation room just after my caeserian operation which started at 12 am. At exactly 12.47 am 1992, my son AHMAD ASHRAF ILMAN B. ZULBAHRI was born!
How time flies...!But you know what... the events of that day still linger fresh in my mind. 24 hours before that, i was woken up at midnite by a sudden sharp pain in my abdomen. Imagine! I had been staying in room 12 of the maternity ward for the past 2 months, yet i didnt know where the emergency button was. So, eventually i had to walk prostrate, to the nurse's desk. My room was right at the end of the corridor!
The night nurse then rushed me to the labor room where a dr. nizam examined me. He said i was not yet in labor so he did not know why i was having this severe abdominal pain. Immediately he placed the ctg (I think thts whats its called - the gadget that can detect baby's hearbeat) over my tummy - baby's heart beat seemed normal enough - no signs of stress.
But i was surely in severe stress. The pain was so that i had difficulty inhaling. Dr. Nizam informed the specialist who was in charge of taking care of my pregnancy, dear Dr. Marlik Abu. Soon i was given a strong pain killer which finally help me to sleep.
The next morning, i woke up quite late, missing the fajr prayer due to the sedative. The pain was a dull ache by then, and when dr. marlik came to see me, he said he wasnt sure what was causing me the pain, n wanted to investigate further to see if it was appendicitis, considering the pain seemed to concentrate on my right side.
Later that afternoon, dear hubby came to visit. Of all days, on that particular day, he said that he was not in office - doing field job. Therefore he would probably not be able to see me that evening, and i wouldn not be able to contact him...that time the only phone that would resemble a mobile would be the ATUR, whch only the select rich can afford! Bummer...i told him about my incident the night before, but he said there was nothing he could do. OKay...
Then just after he had left, i went to the to toilet to prepare myself for the Zohr prayer. It was then that i realised I was "showing"...the telltale clot of blood which signifies the beginnings of labour.
Once again i walked out to the nurse's table and informed them. Once again i was wheeled to the labour waiting room, n placed under observatio. Strangely i did not feel any pain at all at that time. I was there till nearly 4 pm...shivering. Baby showed no signs of stress at all. Then one of the nurses said, i could go back to my room and prepare mysel for surgery and contact the necessary individuals who could wait for me. Alas, there was no way i could contact my hubby so instead i contacted my eldest sister, Kak Ijah who lived near the hospital. In no time, she was there, looking out for me and asking me for my husband's whereabout. I was almost embarrassed to tell her that my hubby who was practically with me almost all the time throughout my pregnancy was suddenly not reachable on this particular day - what irony! Then as the nurse came n informed me i had to go and wait in the labor waiting room, my sister promised to inform my mom n other siblings. I still could not contact hubby.
Dr. Marlik had scheduled my operation for the 2nd of September, but my sudden abdominal pain had changed things. I was going to hv my C-section that night. But it was a busy night, and the OT was always occupied. I had to wait my turn, n stay hungry...
Suddenly at nearly seven, dear hubby turned up. I asked him if my sister had managed to contact him, and he said he didnt even know i was already in labor waiting room. He had come, because his female colleagues had shooed him from the field site when they learnt that i was having abdominal pain. They told him, "dont be a fool, your wife's in labour - what are you doing here?" God bless those experienced ladies...
So it was by the Grace of God, that my hubby could wait for me whilst i was being prepared for the C-section. He could see many pregnant mothers coming n leaving the labor room. Finally i guessed he could not keep it to himself any longer- his anxieties. He whispered to me, please make sure that our baby does not get mixed up with the other newborn babies! i wanted to smile. I told him, "i will be knocked out..how can i do that?" He was adamant - "Just please try" he had said.
It turned out that only at midnite the labor room was finally ready. When i was wheeled into the OT, dr. marlik was already there, his usual calm and confident ways was comforting to my worried and anxious mind. Dr. Marlik had given me the assurance that he would personally do the C-section for me, no matter what time of day it was. He had come at near midnight just to perform my C-section.
Everything went well with the operation, except for a slight glitch at the end. DR. Marlik had woken me up just after the op to inform me i had a baby boy...and suddenly i could not breathe! I panicked n told him urgently so. He told me to calm down, but still i could not breathe! That was surely a moment of panic there. Dear God, dont tell me, my newborn is going to lose his mom at such tender tender age? My kidney problems n the medication i was on made me feel i had reasons to worry. So dr. marlik ordered the anaesthetist to give me something, n finally i managed to breathe again...Alhamdulillah...
I came to again, when the nurses woke me up to show my baby boy - my baby whom i was praying for the past 8 years! I had already lost Abdullah 6 years ago, and finally i got the chance to be a mom. When the nurse showed me Ashraf, he was wearing the hospital cap, n his face looked all screwed up..prbably angry i was kissing him non stop. He was the cutest baby i hv ever set my eyes on.
It was touching to learn later that throughout my operation, my whole family, in laws n all were waiting outside the building as a symbol of their support. Hey you guys....you are the greatest!!!
From 1 am mind you...
And so at 12.47 am 28/8/1992, i finally became a mom, UMMI. It was just as my dearest dad, Allah bless his soul, had predicted. Once he told me, when i was busy trying to get pregnant n hv a baby, he said,"As soon as i m gone, u will hv a baby," he had said simply. Abah passed away on 27/11/1991. AHMAD ASHRAF ILMAN was born on 28/8/1992, exactly 9 months after his demise...Allah bless you, Abah. It was a friday...Abah was born on Friday, Ashraf was born on a friday too.He was 47 cm long, and weighed 2.8kg. For him, i had stayed in the hospital for 2 months, alone in ward 12, and that gave me the chance to read as many books on parenting, and i even managed to finish the quran(khatam) twice!. I knew Ashraf was special.
And now, in no time at all, my little baby has turned 15 today - Happy Birthday My Darling Son!

Why I SimplyLove Teaching

Salaam! Today at 2 i was in Shah Alam, sending Ashraf my big boy to his additional tuition class in preparation for his PMR. Ordinarily i wouldnt mind if he wanted to take a break from tuition during this midterm holidays, but after observing how much time he spends at the computer, i decided it would be better for him to have some solid 3 hours of guided revision after all.
Anyway, i had lunch at the nearby Restoran Ali, and you know what? Just as i finished making our orders, a young Indian man approached me smilingly. He looked very familiar, but i couldnt quite make him out in the beginning. I was pretty sure he must be one of my students, so i tried picturing him in school uniform - yes it was my ex BIO student from last year, 5 Gigih of ACS...Logavinod!
We talked for sometime - he did very well in his SPM, and is currently doing Dip in Med. Lab Tchnology, or something like that. But what i remember is he is now studying Microbiology, Biochemistry, Haemotology, and all the other "logies" associated with Biology. He looked very excited telling me about his course, and i could see he is enjoying his dip. course. I told him that, and he agreed, so i added that it is a great bonus to really enjoy what we are studying. He smiled.
Then he said something which really really made my day. You know what? He told me that he was very lucky to have had me as his bio teacher the 2 years he was doing it in SPM, and thanked me. Then he told my boys that "I enjoyed your mother's class very much, she is a very talented teacher!" (hey..i did not say it ok..he said it..smile).
Feeling slightly embarrassed and a lot pleased at my student's testimony which i believe came from his heart, I told him I m not really that talented, i just love what I do - teaching my favorite subject, Biology.
And you know what else? everytime any of my exstudent comes up to me, actually recognises me whenever we run into one another, and then they say "Thank you teacher, I really enjoyed your class, and your lessons" it makes up for all my frustrations, my heartaches, my anger, my failures, my flaws....as a teacher. O I love being a teacher...no matter what you parents out there may misconceive us to be sometimes.

holiday outing

Salam. its the midterm break, so yesterday hubby took the day off to take the boys for a day out with the family - to the Berjaya Times Square. The initial intention was to let my little Zakiy have a go at the Cosmo Theme Park, but for reasons which i would rather not mention (remembering the reasons will tick me off again), the plan was cancelled. After pacifying and promising my baby that we will come again during the year end holiday, things got better when we went to Borders - huge book store..loved it...but even then my big boy complained that he couldnt find the book he was looking for. I found a book which i found very useful to me and my writing, "Breathing Life Into Your Characters", but my God, was it expensive!!! Alas, the idea of probably not finding the book again when i come the next time, sort of twisted my arm..so u know what..i shut my eyes, pursed my lips, took in a deep breath and took the book from its shelf to the payment counter...needless to say, it made a considereable dent in my pocket, considering it is the end of the month. But all in all..i agree with my big boy's comment...IT WAS A GOOD BUY AND WORTH IT! (maybe he was just trying to comfort his poor ummi - literally poor!)
So you know what...for anyone of you interested to know a thing or two about writing and creating believable characters, inshaallah, from time to time i intend to add in whatever bright ideas i can extract from this book, Insha Allah (God Willing). I am a firm believer of the saying: you will not get it until you teach it....or share it...

teacher

I rest my case....

Renal Transplant - nostalgic reflection

Alhamdulillah..all praise be to Allah! Today is 19th of August 2007...exactly 19 years ago, this date, i had a new lease of life, a second chance to life, when i went through my renal transplant. Life has been kind since that day onwards...although i lost my second pregnancy after that, but all praise be to Allah, i now have 2 beautiful intelligent boys, Ashraf and Zakiy, the apples of my eyes.
I have been free of dialysis for 19 years now, n hope it will be so till the day i die. I surrendered my life to the Will of Allah when my kidneys failed me before, n so now too i surrender it to Allah too. One can only pray for the best, right. I am thankful to Allah, forever, eternally grateful to the Almighty.
U know what..my heart goes out to all those renal failure patients out there - living on dialysis machine, or on the CAPD or even worse, on the weekly PD is no life for anyone. For that, i m ever so grateful to my sister Oni, who came up 19 years ago n gave me one of her kidneys...just like that. When i asked her,"Why did you do it?" her answer was simple enough, but most profound to me,"You are my sister, and i love you." To me that is the real definition of unconditional love. I have honored her in an article i wrote n sent to the Women's Weekly magazine in US which was published in 1990, 2 years after my renal transplant.
I pray for all those end stage renal failure patients, that you too would be as fortunate and as blessed as i was. Dont give up hope..hope sometimes is just around the corner. Just remember the saying of the beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW), "every pain that is inflicted 0n one is accompanied with the expiation of his sin" and take comfort in that.
As for those of you who have toyed with the idea of being an organ donor, dont hesitate, do it now! Some one, some where...needs you.

My Boys....

Salaam...my boys, the 2 most precious gem of my life...it is the school holidays now, and as such even when the clock is showing 3.30 am, they are still wide awake...or appear to be wide awake! I cant even hope for my little sweetheart, Zakiy, 11 to go to sleep. He is at the moment, frustrated that even during holidays, Abah still restricts his computer time to 12 midnite. He sees me excited with this new blog that i hv just set up, and wants to make postings on his blog too. I let him use my other laptop...but unfortunately he has forgotten his password!!!The poor dear...i can see his frustrations, but i cant help smiling at his forgetfulness. I asked him," How come u dont remember the password zakiy?" and you know what his answer was? "I automatically sign in on my own computer ummi, and now i cant remember which password i have used for my blog!"
O my baby zakiy, u r so well competent in the use of computers at your tender age, compared to me....but i hope u learn one lesson here: Eventually it is still the Human Brain which ultimately takes control...!

My 1st Ever Post...

Alhamdulillah..finally i have it made..well not technically me, but i finally got my big boy to start a blog for me. It is 1.54am now, on a Sunday 19/8/2007. Hey u know what??? i just realised that this marks the 19th year of my renal transplant. MashaAllah... on this day 19 years ago, i was given a new lease of life, n today i get this new spot to jot pieces of my mind...for my own peace of mind, if not anyone else.
My son often tells me that writing my personal babbles in a blog can really capture my interest, and make me smile by myself as i write. U know what?? He is absolutely right...i m smiling right now, thrilled to bits typing my first ever post. I realise, eventually i will run out of ideas, and for sure run out of time to jot into this blog, but then again, it is my blog...i will run it, not it runs me...I pray to Allah however, that i will always enjoy writing into my blog just as i m enjoying it right now n remain just as enthusiastic as i m right now...salaam!
P/S: Hey Ilman, thanks a lot yaaa...u r no:1

About Me

Salaam.

From my greetings, you can know I am a Muslim, and sharing the same birthday as Nehru and Prince Charles. I was born and bred in Klang, Selangor, and the 10th child of Cikgu Manaf, who was well known in my hometown as the football referee. My Mom, is a housewife, bringing up all 11 of us tirelessly - 4 boys and 7 girls.

My primary education was in MGS Klang, and then off to Sek. Men. Sains Selangor in Cheras, Then, I won a scholarship to do A levels in Grantham Lincs in England, and then I proceeded to Salford University in Manchester to pursue a course in Biology. It was in my final year that I met hubby, Zulbahri Long who was studying Engineering in Sheffield University.

Unfortunately too, it was at this time that I discovered that I had Glomerulonephritis, or simply put, both my kidneys were failing me. All praise be to Allah, I managed to complete my studies nonetheless.

Upon return to Malaysia, I had my one year tour of Teaching practical from Maktab Perguruan Temenggong Ibrahim in JB. I was the first batch to do KPLI (known as SPLI then).

I lost my first born in 1986, due to my renal failure, had to be on dialysis in 1987 for a year, before alhamdulillah, my older sis, ONI, God bless her, donated one of her kidneys to me in August 1988. Read my post on this...

With my renal transplant, began a new lease of life for me. I further my quest of knowledge in different fields. I have Dip in Islamic guidance and counseling, a certificate in Public Speaking, a Dip in Color Vibration Therapy. My most recent study brought me a Medical Degree in Alternative Medicine from the Indian Board of Alternative Medicine. I am happy to see the name endorsed on my scroll - Dr. Norhafizah Abd. Manaf.

But above all, my career is my passion. Careerwise, I am a Science/Biology teacher, currently teaching in my 4th school. I simply love being around youngsters. To better myself in this field, I have attended the Superteaching Prog, so I like to think of myself as a Quantum Teacher.

Speaking of youngsters, I have 2 fantastic boys of my own, having lost 2 previously due to my state of health. My 2 boys are the gems in my life, the apples of my eyes, Ahmad Ashraf Ilman, 15 and Ahmad Zakiy Mohsin, 11. Read about them in my blog, or better yet, visit their blogs, linked to mine.

I am the kind of person who can't really stay put, not doing anything. However, due to my condition, I cant afford to be too physically active. So my interest lie in the realm of the mind. I love reading and writing, and have got some of my writings published locally and outside Malaysia. Hope to publish a book one day, inshaallah. During the holidays, I try as best as I possibly can to travel, either domestically or overseas, my family's favorite destination being Mekah of course.

My prolonged steroid medication for my kidneys have unavoidably caused some complications to my health. So, really I created this blog just for my personal musings and reflections, hopefully as a legacy I can leave to my boys...and their future children inshaallah. However, should anyone stumble onto this blog, please feel free to leave your comments. It is always nice to have friends visiting.

Salam.